Hot Dogs: A Love Story - by Chevy

Hot dogs, they are all around us. From the delicious hokey ones, to the awesome ones at the hot dog stands.

It all began with the pilgrims, who moved to the New World in 1912. George Washington and Gandalf the Purple went hunting.While they were looking for pizza, something skittered over George's foot! It was a wild hotdog! Gandalf picked it up and took a bite. From then on, the hot dog became the favorite food of millions.

To celebrate their amazing discovery, they invited a bunch of Indians to a big feast of hot dogs and relish. Later on, this became the day that Thanksgiving was held.

The End

My Deepest, Fondest Thoughts of Lasagna, a Haiku by Chevy

Lasagna is good,

delicious, satisfying,

and is delightful.

            

Something You May Not Know About Doofus

Something You May Not Know About Doofus

By: Bonnie

    
     Hey, stupid humans. This is Bonnie.
     Although I know you see Chevy in the sky everyday, and you've smelled his horrendous stench, you may not know an important bit of information about the ugly thing I call Doofus. (You might have heard me call him Chevy, but I prefer to call him Doofus, as of today.)
     Okay, so the thing about Doofus is that he has not one, but three stomachs! And here I was thinking 'The less of him, the better!'
      Though, would've wished I hadn't experienced it first-hand.
      It all started when Doofus was eating very obnoxiously, and very loudly.
      "Chevy!" (This was when I still called him Chevy, remember?)
      "What, Bonnie?"
      "You know what, bird brain!"
      "Duh... No, I don't." he said with a twinkle in his eye.
      "You're eating super loud, and I want you to shut up!"
      "But Bonnie! If I 'shut up', I won't be able to eat seeds."
      "Exactly!"
      "I like seeds," Doofus said, stupidly.
      "Well, can ya eat 'em less loudly then, Ugly?"
     "You've lived with me for going on five years, Bonnie. Don't you know that my name isn't Ugly, by now?"
     I tromped all over the cage, and screamed.
     "Duh...Bonnie, 'Ahhh' isn't an answer."
     Then, slyly, I replied "Oh, yeah. Is your name....Hmmm.....uh...Stupid? No, that's not it. Oh! I remember! It's Stink E. Byrd."
     "Oh, Bonnie. That's not it at all!"
      He went about eating, sounding like twenty chainsaw engines running at once.
      I shoved him away from the food dish, but, he was so fat and heavy, that he only moved an inch.
      I called, "Chevy! Move!! You're going to eat it all! I need to eat seeds, too." But when I got to the food dish, there was only one measly seed left. I was more than furious.
      "Chevy!!! I told you not to eat it all!"
      "I didn't, Bonnie. I saved you one, because I'm so generous."
      "You aren't generous! We won't get any more seeds until tomorrow! I'll starve!"
      "I have an idea...Since I'm such a loving bird, I'll let you have some of my food."
      As I zipped down his esophagus, I shouted "NOOO!!!", but it was no use. The undying stink of his stomach acid and the camel he ate yesterday, made my eyes water.
        "There is no way in my right mind that I am eating anything you already ate, Chevy! Do you even know how stinky your belly is inside?! I mean, I thought you smelled bad enough on the outside."
         To Doofus, what I was saying sounded like gibberish. He pretended he heard me say "Eat the last seed," so he would have an excuse to eat it. And he did so.
        "Here, Bonnie. This is for you."
        I could hardly see. My body was immersed in stomach fluid. It was churning, and greenish-pink. It was also the grossest thing I've seen in my life.
       Doofus was still talking to me. I think he was giving me a tour of his belly. "Right next to you is the McDonald's I ate. If you go two more inches to the left, you'll see the bowling ball I mistook for a mutant seed. I chuckled. 'Chevy's so stupid he can't tell the difference between a bowling ball, and a seed.' I thought.
      Oooh! Ooooh! Oooh! Bonnie! My favorite part is next. Those are all the eyeglasses and their cases, from the eye doctor. Oh, yeah, and if you want to try on any, I think I swallowed the mirror, too."
      "You are disgusting-er than I ever thought anyone could be."
      I wondered why I could hear him, but he couldn't seem to hear me. Then, I remembered: Chevy eating sounds like twenty chainsaws running at the same time. No wonder he has hearing loss.
     "Get me out of here! I don't want to see anymore. My eyes! My eyes!"
     Each of the pairs of glasses were mangled almost beyond recognition.  Or maybe it was my stinging eyes that made them mangled.
     "What, Bonnie? Do you have an idea to go with the collection in there?"
     "No, dummy!  GET. ME. OUT!!!"
     "Oh! Good idea, Bonnie!"
     Then he laughs so hard, I fly across the slippery mass to the other side.  And I didn't have to use my wings.  Before I realized it, Doofus sent a wrapped-up dead human my way.  He must've thought I said "mummy".  It was no use.
     My own stomach growled.  I didn't eat anything at all today.  And it wasn't like I was going to find anything good in here to eat.
     "Wow, Bonnie.  You surprised me.  Never in my life did I think you would tell me to eat something."
     "I didn't!" I screeched.
     "Pig lint?! I don't know what that is, but it sounds tasty!  Thanks, Bonnie!"
     Before I could say anything else, a hog roast covered in dryer lint descended on top of me. 
     "Help!"
     "Oooh! Some kelp? You have the best ideas!"
     I heard his massive wings flapping.  I swam quickly out from under the hog.
     A giant glob of dark green mush slopped down to his rapidly-filling, extra stinky belly.
     "I've had enough!"
     "Woof woof? Oh, I know what you mean, Bonnie! I'll eat a dog, just for you!"
     I gave up.  This was getting ridiculous.
     Suddenly, I got sucked down into a tube in his bulbous tummy.
     "Oh, goody!  You're in my second stomach. That one's actually my favorite, but don't tell my other bellies."
     "How many bellies..." I stopped.  Ugh!  I forgot.  Now Chevy - I mean, Doofus - would eat something else.
     "I already ate all the bullies, Bonnie.  Pick something else."
     I sat there in silence.  Warm, but wet, and my eyes still stung.  I wondered when this "ride" would be over.
     I found a package of nose plugs, and helped myself.  It took me a while to open, though.  Have you ever tried to open something with feathers? Well, let me tell ya, it's hard.  Luckily, the plastic had been partially broken down, thanks to Doofus's belly acids. 
     I forced the nose plug into my nostrils.  That was pretty difficult, considering it was designed for stupid humans' nostrils.  But it was worth it to not smell the awful stuff.
     I saw Alice and butter flies and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.  They had their heads down, looking sad.
     At first I though Lewis Carroll had lied about the colors of Alice's and Tweedle Dee's and Tweedle Dum's hair and clothes.
     'Alice is blonde.  She doesn't have pinkish green hair,' I thought.
      But then I remembered: Chevy's stomach fluid.  It's pink and green.
     That is so unnatural.  Then I saw it! An unopened bag of suckers! Food! Clean food!
     I ran  as fast as I could, to the sucker bag.  I opened it and ferociously gulped one down.  I chewed up lollipop after lollipop, until I was full.
     I then got sucked into another stomach.  At least, I think it was a stomach. The third stomach had more junk in it than the other two. It had our owner's oven, all their library books, a pet store with all the pets and people inside, five drywall walls, twenty-one bowling pins, and some silverware.  And, of course, me. I didn't know how much time had passed in there. It felt like days.
     "Chevy! Can you speed it up?"
     "Duh, okay, Bonnie.  I can eat a duck."
     Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  I can't talk.
     At least I wasn't getting pelted with the random things Doofus liked to eat anymore.
     I finally got squeezed through a small tube, and came out, gasping for air.
     "I Can't. Believe. You ATE me!"
     "You wanted some food, Bonnie; you shouldn't complain."
     At this point, I was (for once) happy to be alive.

Change - Stop Motion Video by J

Bonnie and the Butt-Paste Busniess

Bonnie and the Butt-Paste Business

By J

It all started when Chevy was calmly eating seeds at the food dish. Bonnie, who was perched next to him, was loudly criticizing Chevy.

Bonnie paused to catch her breath." Chevy, do you know how ugly you are?" She questioned.

Chevy responded by chewing loudly and belching. Bonnie coughed a little longer than was necessary to emphasize how bad his breath smelled.

"Let's just say you make me want to vomit when I look at you."

Chevy seemed to brighten up at this and he said "then you can eat some more."

"No, you IGNORAMUS!" Bonnie shouted.

All of a sudden Bonnie got an idea, she would start a company; a butt-paste company. There were several things she needed to do. First: she needed to come up with a name for her company. She decided on "The Butt Paste Helpers". Yes, she thought. That was a very good name. Now I need a place for my shop. She thought and she thought until she thought of the new strip mall downtown.

Next she had to think of a way to pay the rent. Suddenly she got an inspiration. She would pay in beans. Chevy had recently bought a bunch of canned beans using a credit card: it was inside a wallet he had eaten.

After that she had to come up with a recipe. She thought of it: a half a bottle of glue and three quarts shampoo. (Bonnie was not very good at measurements.) So, anyway, she got a trademark for her company. She told Chevy about her plan. She also told him that he could work for her but what she didn't tell him was what his wages were: zero  dollars and zero cents.

After that Chevy and Bonnie went to their new place. It was one of the smaller buildings, but that did not seem to bother Chevy. Bonnie, however, was furious. She shouted at the owner "IS THAT ALL?!"

The owner calmly replied "Yes miss." Obviously experienced with angry consumers.

Bonnie was bubbling with rage. Knowing what Bonnie was about to do, the owner quickly left the building. Bonnie stared strait ahead as the dark-red pickup roared away. Bonnie, finally able to control herself, walked away examining the small shop.

Chevy, who had been in the employees-only room, had found several small shelves to munch on. Bonnie, who had been searching for him for quite some time, went into the employees-only room. When Bonnie found out what Chevy was doing she was livid with anger.

She stormed up to Chevy in a great fury. Bonnie attempted to pull the shelves away. Chevy, who did not want to give up his new second-favorite food, flung himself on the shelves. Bonnie pushed Chevy onto the shag carpet and quickly dragged  it away.

Now Bonnie was even more red from exhaustion. She shouted angrily, "CHEVY! Why did you do a thing like that?!"

"Duh, I was hungry." Replied Chevy casually.

At that moment some costumers arrived. A wary old couple waddled in. Bonnie walked out wearing her fake smile like a sweater. Chevy followed. Boxes containing her butt-paste were everywhere. Bonnie quickly tried to neaten up; Chevy joined  in, pulling a gnawed shelf out of the back room.

The old lady scowled at Bonnie while Chevy loaded bottles of butt-paste on to a shelf. The lady asked for a small. Bonnie handed her a bottle that had previously been occupied by mustard. The lady grimaced at the unprofessional looking bottle. Suddenly she threw it at Bonnie, who stared at her, stunned.

The couple walked out of the store.

Bonnie glared at Chevy, who was smirking and waving. Finally, they had to close due to lack of costumers.

THE END.

Bonnie the Sports Reporter (by A)

Bonnie decided to be a sports reporter.
When she came to the press box to do a trial run, Bonnie was overly confident.
"Ha ha ha! I'll beat all of these stupid humans!" she shouted. She was referring to all of the other men who were trying out for the job.
Bonnie was up first. The man who was in charge instructed her: "You have to speak clearly and fast. So here's and example. The man put the microphone up to his mouth. "Johnson goes wide to the right, oh and now he makes a pass to Thomas. Do you think you get it now?"

"Uh, yeah!" said Bonnie.
"Okay, start when you are ready," the man said, smiling.
They turned the microphone back on. Bonnie began. "Here's Stupid. He's up to bat!" Bonnie was clueless about football. She knew all about baseball and a little about soccer. But, she was so overly confident that she didn't care. The man whispered in Bonnie's ear, "He's got the ball. He's not up to bat!" and smacked his forehead.

"Oh, he's got the ball, wide to the right, wide to the right, folks! He passes it to...
The man prays silently to himself. 'Please not Stupid, Please not Stupid..."
"Ugly!" Bonnie bellowed. The man reaches for the microphone telling Bonnie what she should be doing. "And Johnson's got the ball, wide pass to the left...Goal!" Bonnie shouted, leaning over toward the microphone to continue her sports report.
"That's right. A touchdown!" the man yelled, trying to drown out Bonnie's voice. The other men waiting for their interview outside the press box snickered. The sports reporter gave Bonnie one more chance. "Don't mess this up. I'll only give you one other chance and if you blow it..."
"On Numbskull, On Stupid, On Ugly and Dumb!" Bonnie yelled, imitating the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song. The man put a hand over her still-babbling mouth. "Shhhh!" He had another man take over. "You're fired," he told Bonnie, then he forced her out of the press box, closed the door and locked it. There were gasps of horror and shouts of laughter coming from the crowd. She flew above the game, watching and listening. She had her own commentary going inside her head. "Oop! Scatterbrain from the other side has the ball now." She did this until the game was finally over.

And when it was, all the football players had a bone to pick with Bonnie. They came up in a pack. The biggest men she had seen in her life! They all gathered around. They took turns punching Bonnie.
"This is for all the names you called us," one said.
"Yeah!" said another.
"And we didn't like it!" added a third.
But, they let her off easy with two black eyes.

You can bet she never did that again.

Sandwich Sensation (by Richie Marrow)

I was talking to Violet Thomas who has recently contributed to the Museum of the Strange in Seattle, Washington. Her discovery, the "Guilty Rotten Sandwich" is being seen by people around the world! Violet has done several interviews with various radio stations and newspaper writers (one of which is me).

Paper Hugger Magazine interviewed Ms. Thomas whereby she stated, "It all kind of started when I made a sandwich. I was about to leave for a one-week conference, so I packed up my things, but accidentally left the sandwich behind." She later explained to 10TV news that she went to the conference, came home, remembered her sandwich and went over to throw the sandwich away.  Then she saw a note next to the sandwich that said, "Look, I'm sorry I rotted while you were gone. I tried not to, and am really sorry. I was a little angry that you didn't take me with you, and that's why I rotted. Again, I am very sorry. I am starting to feel really guilty so please forgive me."

Ms. Thomas read the note over again two more times, still stunned at what she saw. Suddenly, the eyes of the bread snapped open and the sandwich said "Well, do you forgive me?"  Ms. Thomas screamed. It happened so suddenly, she was frightened. She then squeaked, "Um...yeah. But how can y_"
"How can I talk?" the sandwich interrupted, "I dunno, but I'm kinda glad you didn't eat me, so I wouldn't scream when you bit into me."

She laughed. Ms. Thomas' friend who came to see if Violet was home, had come over from her house and saw the whole incident from the door. Her friend, then went on to tell Ms. Thomas about the museum.

The following day, Ms. Thomas called the Museum of the Strange and they worked out the details for the sandwich to be exhibited. Since then, the sandwich has been seen by school groups, tourists, and other museum curators. It is world famous!

If you haven't been to see the talking sandwich, it's a great time to go. Contact the Museum for information or for a tour at: Museum of the Strange
              125 Harper St.
              Seattle, Washington 12896

Or call them at (607)233-1940.