Something You May Not Know About Doofus

Something You May Not Know About Doofus

By: Bonnie

    
     Hey, stupid humans. This is Bonnie.
     Although I know you see Chevy in the sky everyday, and you've smelled his horrendous stench, you may not know an important bit of information about the ugly thing I call Doofus. (You might have heard me call him Chevy, but I prefer to call him Doofus, as of today.)
     Okay, so the thing about Doofus is that he has not one, but three stomachs! And here I was thinking 'The less of him, the better!'
      Though, would've wished I hadn't experienced it first-hand.
      It all started when Doofus was eating very obnoxiously, and very loudly.
      "Chevy!" (This was when I still called him Chevy, remember?)
      "What, Bonnie?"
      "You know what, bird brain!"
      "Duh... No, I don't." he said with a twinkle in his eye.
      "You're eating super loud, and I want you to shut up!"
      "But Bonnie! If I 'shut up', I won't be able to eat seeds."
      "Exactly!"
      "I like seeds," Doofus said, stupidly.
      "Well, can ya eat 'em less loudly then, Ugly?"
     "You've lived with me for going on five years, Bonnie. Don't you know that my name isn't Ugly, by now?"
     I tromped all over the cage, and screamed.
     "Duh...Bonnie, 'Ahhh' isn't an answer."
     Then, slyly, I replied "Oh, yeah. Is your name....Hmmm.....uh...Stupid? No, that's not it. Oh! I remember! It's Stink E. Byrd."
     "Oh, Bonnie. That's not it at all!"
      He went about eating, sounding like twenty chainsaw engines running at once.
      I shoved him away from the food dish, but, he was so fat and heavy, that he only moved an inch.
      I called, "Chevy! Move!! You're going to eat it all! I need to eat seeds, too." But when I got to the food dish, there was only one measly seed left. I was more than furious.
      "Chevy!!! I told you not to eat it all!"
      "I didn't, Bonnie. I saved you one, because I'm so generous."
      "You aren't generous! We won't get any more seeds until tomorrow! I'll starve!"
      "I have an idea...Since I'm such a loving bird, I'll let you have some of my food."
      As I zipped down his esophagus, I shouted "NOOO!!!", but it was no use. The undying stink of his stomach acid and the camel he ate yesterday, made my eyes water.
        "There is no way in my right mind that I am eating anything you already ate, Chevy! Do you even know how stinky your belly is inside?! I mean, I thought you smelled bad enough on the outside."
         To Doofus, what I was saying sounded like gibberish. He pretended he heard me say "Eat the last seed," so he would have an excuse to eat it. And he did so.
        "Here, Bonnie. This is for you."
        I could hardly see. My body was immersed in stomach fluid. It was churning, and greenish-pink. It was also the grossest thing I've seen in my life.
       Doofus was still talking to me. I think he was giving me a tour of his belly. "Right next to you is the McDonald's I ate. If you go two more inches to the left, you'll see the bowling ball I mistook for a mutant seed. I chuckled. 'Chevy's so stupid he can't tell the difference between a bowling ball, and a seed.' I thought.
      Oooh! Ooooh! Oooh! Bonnie! My favorite part is next. Those are all the eyeglasses and their cases, from the eye doctor. Oh, yeah, and if you want to try on any, I think I swallowed the mirror, too."
      "You are disgusting-er than I ever thought anyone could be."
      I wondered why I could hear him, but he couldn't seem to hear me. Then, I remembered: Chevy eating sounds like twenty chainsaws running at the same time. No wonder he has hearing loss.
     "Get me out of here! I don't want to see anymore. My eyes! My eyes!"
     Each of the pairs of glasses were mangled almost beyond recognition.  Or maybe it was my stinging eyes that made them mangled.
     "What, Bonnie? Do you have an idea to go with the collection in there?"
     "No, dummy!  GET. ME. OUT!!!"
     "Oh! Good idea, Bonnie!"
     Then he laughs so hard, I fly across the slippery mass to the other side.  And I didn't have to use my wings.  Before I realized it, Doofus sent a wrapped-up dead human my way.  He must've thought I said "mummy".  It was no use.
     My own stomach growled.  I didn't eat anything at all today.  And it wasn't like I was going to find anything good in here to eat.
     "Wow, Bonnie.  You surprised me.  Never in my life did I think you would tell me to eat something."
     "I didn't!" I screeched.
     "Pig lint?! I don't know what that is, but it sounds tasty!  Thanks, Bonnie!"
     Before I could say anything else, a hog roast covered in dryer lint descended on top of me. 
     "Help!"
     "Oooh! Some kelp? You have the best ideas!"
     I heard his massive wings flapping.  I swam quickly out from under the hog.
     A giant glob of dark green mush slopped down to his rapidly-filling, extra stinky belly.
     "I've had enough!"
     "Woof woof? Oh, I know what you mean, Bonnie! I'll eat a dog, just for you!"
     I gave up.  This was getting ridiculous.
     Suddenly, I got sucked down into a tube in his bulbous tummy.
     "Oh, goody!  You're in my second stomach. That one's actually my favorite, but don't tell my other bellies."
     "How many bellies..." I stopped.  Ugh!  I forgot.  Now Chevy - I mean, Doofus - would eat something else.
     "I already ate all the bullies, Bonnie.  Pick something else."
     I sat there in silence.  Warm, but wet, and my eyes still stung.  I wondered when this "ride" would be over.
     I found a package of nose plugs, and helped myself.  It took me a while to open, though.  Have you ever tried to open something with feathers? Well, let me tell ya, it's hard.  Luckily, the plastic had been partially broken down, thanks to Doofus's belly acids. 
     I forced the nose plug into my nostrils.  That was pretty difficult, considering it was designed for stupid humans' nostrils.  But it was worth it to not smell the awful stuff.
     I saw Alice and butter flies and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.  They had their heads down, looking sad.
     At first I though Lewis Carroll had lied about the colors of Alice's and Tweedle Dee's and Tweedle Dum's hair and clothes.
     'Alice is blonde.  She doesn't have pinkish green hair,' I thought.
      But then I remembered: Chevy's stomach fluid.  It's pink and green.
     That is so unnatural.  Then I saw it! An unopened bag of suckers! Food! Clean food!
     I ran  as fast as I could, to the sucker bag.  I opened it and ferociously gulped one down.  I chewed up lollipop after lollipop, until I was full.
     I then got sucked into another stomach.  At least, I think it was a stomach. The third stomach had more junk in it than the other two. It had our owner's oven, all their library books, a pet store with all the pets and people inside, five drywall walls, twenty-one bowling pins, and some silverware.  And, of course, me. I didn't know how much time had passed in there. It felt like days.
     "Chevy! Can you speed it up?"
     "Duh, okay, Bonnie.  I can eat a duck."
     Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  I can't talk.
     At least I wasn't getting pelted with the random things Doofus liked to eat anymore.
     I finally got squeezed through a small tube, and came out, gasping for air.
     "I Can't. Believe. You ATE me!"
     "You wanted some food, Bonnie; you shouldn't complain."
     At this point, I was (for once) happy to be alive.